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The Royal Pain/Transcript
Kai-Lan's Royal Adventures Season 2, Episode 1 "The Royal Pain" episode begins with Kai-Lan and her friends playing a game of tag. Everyone is laughing as Hoho chases his friends around the palace, in hopes of tagging them. Hoho: Tolee Tag, I got you. You're it, Tolee. Tolee: Hey, no fair! You weren't on the ground, and you didn't evenn tag me. You just hopped on my head and told me that I was it. Hoho: Pretty cool, huh? Tolee: But now I have one question. Hoho: What's that? Tolee: How did you manage to do that? Hoho: Simple, if you're really small and unseen, you can do a whole bunch of stuff. Plus, I didn't want to get my new shirt messed up. Tolee: Then why did you wear it in the first place? Hoho: Because I wanted to show everybody how great it looked. And it looked really good on me. laughs Rintoo: Well then, I guess that we should better kepp on playing. Let's see if you can catch us, Tolee. Tolee: Okay, but I'm staying right on the ground. And I'm going to make sure that I properly touch you. Kai-Lan: giggles Whatever you say, Tolee. game continues and Tolee is running the fastest he could to try to tag one of them. Just as he tries to does so, a Lincoln Town Car shows up in front of the palace. The driver steps out and opens the door for a very special someone. Driver: I now present the most notable advisor in the history of this entire country! dog wearing a very expensive leopard furred coat steps out the car. He is actually a royal advisor and is in China to see how each royal palace is doing. Royal Advisor: Greetings, my fellow subjects. My name is Frederick Jonathon Harolds. And in case you didn't know, I'm the royal advisor who comes around and checks on every king, queen, prince, archduke, emperor, empress, and any other royal title ever created! Today, I'm here to check on the emperor and empress of China. Where are they?! Rintoo: Ummm, we're right here. Frederick: Are you sure, because I don't see no uniforms on you two right now. Kai-Lan: That's because we're off duty, and we're playing a game. Frederick: I see, but now that I'm here, that means you have to be on duty in order for me to check out your palace. Now I know I'm not im charge of you, but I'm gonna have to ask all of you to put on your uniforms ASAP! Hoho: Do we have to? Frederick: Yes. Now do it! rushes into the palace and changes into their uniforms. Frederick: Step one, complete. Now all I have to do is make sure that they fail the inspection. And once that happens, they'll be dethroned and stripped of their royal titles. evily scene goes inside the palace dress up chamber. Rintoo: Whoever heard of an inspection where you have to have on your uniforms and be on duty? That doesn't make any sense at all. Tolee: I know. I was just close to tagging somebody. Kai-Lan: I don't know if I'm going to like this guy and how he handles things. Rintoo: And I hope he doesn't give us any type of negative review and have us dethroned from the palace. takes a step inside the palace and pulls a clipboard from his bag. Attached to it is a list of recommendations that the palace needs in order to pass the inspection. Frederick: Let's see, which one should I check first? Hmm, maybe the front room. goes up to the front. For some reason, he gets the idea to do something dastardly. Frederick: Maybe if I trash some of their most valuable possessions, I'll have no other choice but to fail them for this section. It's sure to go perfectly. what he just pointed out, Frederick heads up back to the front room, grabs a bunch of pens, and "accidentally" drops them on the floor. Following this, Rintoo and company heads to the room to figure out what had happened. Hoho: What was that? Frederick: Hmm, hmm, hmm. I don't believe this. Pens knocked down on the floor. And the first part of the inspection. I cannot believe this. Kai-Lan: I could've swore we had those on the shelf in a neat stack. Frederick: Neat stack indeed. This will not go according to plan. That also means that I have to give you a red mark on that one. Kai-Lan: What does the red mark mean? Frederick: It means that you failed that part of the inspection. If it keeps on happening for the rest of the inspection, I have no other choice but to strip you from your title as emperor and empress. gasps. Frederick: I know. I'm so sorry to have to say that, but it's gonna happen one way or another. So don't fail the next part. walks away. Frederick: Excellent. That stunt worked. I can't believe I gave them a negative mark. Now all I have to do is make sure they fail the next parts of the inspection. And they'll be out of this palace. scene cuts to the kitchen, where everyone is trying to figure out what would make pens fall to the floor. Hoho: That's weird. Those pens were on the mantel when we came over. And they were in a stack. Rintoo: If only we could figure out what happened. Kai-Lan: But the only problem we have right now is how neatness is on the inspection sheet. And I can't we fail the first part. Tolee: Well all I know is you guys are never that messy. Most of the time. Rintoo: spite of Tolee's last sentence Hey. I'm not messy all the time. Just on some occassions. Tolee: Really? What about your room? Rintoo: What about it? Tolee: There's clothes everywhere, including the closet. Rintoo: At least they're not on my bed, 'cause then I wouldn't be able to get out. I would be throwing them out of the way, just to see where I'm at. stares clueless at Rintoo. Rintoo: What. You guys would do the same thing. Kai-Lan: Okay, enough with the clothes. We need to figure out a way of how we're going to avoid getting kicked out the palace. And we have to think of it fast. Rintoo: What you think we should do? Kai-Lan: I don't know, but I'm sure we'll think of something. scene cuts to a montage of Frederick thinking of ways to destroy Kai-Lan and Rintoo's inspection in spite of getting them dethroned, while the first minute of T.I.'s "Ball" plays. montage starts in the royal playroom, where Frederick takes several toys and spreads them around. Then when Rintoo and Kai-Lan show up, they become clueless. Frederick thens puts a red mark next to the section labeled "Clean Rooms". The next part of the montage is in the backyard, where Frederick speads some leaves around. Hoho shows up and is shocked when he finds leaves all over the yard. This makes Frederick proceed with putting a red mark on the "Neat Backyard" part of the inspection. After that, he heads to the kitchen for the "Cleanest Palace Kitchen" part of the inspection. He takes some tomato sauce and pours it on the floor. Tolee arrives and spots it, and wonders how it got there. Frederick once again puts a red mark on that section. And it leads up to the rest of the inspection. For each one, Frederick puts a red mark over each one, leaving one part left, ending the montage. Rintoo: I can't believe this. How is this happening? We've never failed any type of inspection whatsoever. This can't be happening! Hoho: And to make matters worst, there's only one more part of the inspection left. You guys can't fail that. Kai-Lan: Hoho's right. There's no way we can... as Kai-Lan tries to finish her sentence, the gang hears a noise, and they try to see where it's coming from. They then track it down to the one of the palace bedrooms. For some reason, Frederick purposely messes up one of the curtains. gasps when they see the damaged curtain. Kai-Lan: What happened? Frederick: What the hell happened indeed. A messed up curtain. Hoho: Oh dear. Frederick: This represents a violation of the "Nice Room" part of the inspection. A messed-up window curtain means that the whole room is not neat. Rintoo: But we don't know how it happened. Frederick: SHUT UP! I'M TALKING NOW! You guys clearly have no type of niceness in this palace! Matter of fact, I wouldn't qualify this place as a proper palace. I might as well go ahead and say that this is the worst palace I've seen. Kai-Lan: We can explain! FREDERICK: SHUT THE FUCK UP! I hate to do this, but I am going to put a red mark on the last part of the inspection. Just you wait until I get some people over here. You guys will have your asses thrown the fuck outta this palace. Kai-Lan: gasps You don't mean... Frederick: You're damn right. You guys are no longer the emperor and empress of China. Rintoo: No, please. Anything but that. Frederick: Hey, get the hell of me, you undwelling jackass! Are you guys deaf? In case you didn't get what I said, I'll say it again. You guys are officially dethroned from this suck shack YOU CALL A PALACE! Now get out of here while you still can. And you two have to turn in your uniforms. Kai-Lan: Okay...we get your point. Come on guys. and her friends exit the palace under Frederick's command. Frederick: with glee Yes. I did it! I got those two thrown out the palace. Now all I have to do is watch this palace come down in shambles and my job is done. laughs scene cuts to the outside of the soon-to-be former palace. Kai-Lan and Rintoo are disappointed about not being the emperor and empress of China anymore. Hoho: This is so unbelievable. Kai-Lan: I know. sniffs I can't believe that we're not going to have the royal lifestyle anymore. It makes me so upset, I think I might...into tears Rintoo: Guys, we have to figure out what happened during the inspection, and how did all those things happpen. Tolee: Well, whatever happened clearly wasn't a ghost because the palace isn't that old. Rintoo: You're right on that part. shows up, and is in shock when he sees that Kai-Lan and Rintoo still have their uniforms on. Frederick: his throat Why the hell do you two still have on your uniforms. I told you that you needed to give them back to me. There's no point in having those anymore. Also, I came to tell you that you need to get whatever things you have in there because wrecking crews are coming this way in about a few hours to tear this place down. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some records to turn in. Kai-Lan: to talk over her tears How are we going to fix this? Rintoo: I don't know, but I have a feeling that we won't fix this. Frederick already has wrecking crews coming over and we won't be able to stop them. cries even louder. Rintoo: Well guys, me and Kai-Lan have to go give Frederick our uniforms. Kai-Lan: That's too bad, because I loved these so much. I don't want to give these uniforms up. as she and Rintoo walk back to the palace Hoho: Tolee, I don't know how to put this, but this can't happen. Tolee: I know, but we still don't know how all that stuff happened. It must have been some sort of mistake. It's not like the palace would just come apart and start messing stuff up. Unless? Hoho, do you think Frederick did it? Hoho: I'm not sure. What are you trying to get? Tolee: Well, just think. Frederick was checking to make sure that everything was perfect for the inspection. Hoho: True. Tolee: But maybe he thought that everything was so perfect that he had the nerve and go and mess something up. So maybe, if we can catch him messing something else up, we can get him to confess and tell him that he set this whole thing up. Hoho: You know what? If it's crazy enough to work, then I say, let's do it. and Hoho walk off to find Frederick. The scene then cuts to Kai-Lan and Rintoo packing their things. Rintoo: Kai-Lan, I don't know how to say this, but...I'm going to miss running this country with you. The last few years with you as my empress were so much fun. We got to play, get lazy, and have a purpose to do the right job. And everything else we've done that made us get to where we are right now, until today. Kai-Lan: sniffs I was just going to say the same thing myself. a little I just wish that it didn't have to end like this. Rintoo: I know, me too. sighs Well, we better give Frederick these uniforms. walks in. Frederick: Just to let you guys know, the wrecking crews will be here in about 20 minutes, so you better vacate the building before they get here. Now, where the hell are those uniforms? Rintoo: Relax, they're right here. As if you wanted them. Frederick: What was that? Rintoo: You heard me, idiot. As if you wanted to dethrone us in the first place. Frederick: Okay, I didn't want to dethrone you guys from this palace, but since you failed inspection, I had to. Happy, you little fur-licking apehole. I made myself clear on the announcement. Now get the hell out of here before I have you DEMOLISHED UNDERNEATH ALL THE GODDAMN RUBBLE THAT WILL BECOME OF THIS PALACE! shuns him and he and Kai-Lan exit the room. Frederick: What the hell is wrong with that tiger? scene cuts back to the outside. Rintoo: Well, so long old palace. We had some wonderful times with you. And now, we can't have more. as Kai-Lan and Rintoo walk away from the palace, Tolee and Hoho approach them and tell them the horrifying news about their fraudspection. Hoho: Guys, wait! Rintoo: Huh. Tolee: We have something to tell you. It's about Frederick. Kai-Lan: Don't bother. Without the palace, we're nothing now. Hoho: No, we have to tell you before the wreckers come. Kai-Lan: sighs Go ahead. Tolee: We think Frederick might be behind your departure. Rintoo: laughs You're kidding, right? Hoho: No we're not. We think that Frederick set everything up so that he could tear the palace apart. Kai-Lan: Are you sure? Hoho: Yes. That means if we get Frederick to confess in front of the royal boss, we can save your names and you can stay in the palace. Rintoo: Well, if it means to avoid getting the palace demolished, then I say, let's go for it. Kai-Lan: I don't think we have time now. Tolee: Why? Kai-Lan: Because the wrecking crew is already here. Which means that the title of Emperor Rintoo and Empress Kai-Lan has officially come to a close. scene cuts to the China demolishing company in front of the palace. Frederick: ALRIGHT GUYS, TEAR IT DOWN! Hoho: Frederick! We know what you're up to! Frederick: STOP THE WRECKING BALL! What in the hell are you two still doing here?! You should have been gone by now. Now I'll be forced by royal law to call the cops on all of y'all! Tolee: Not a chance, you low-down con man. Frederick: How dare you call me a con-man, you two-timing bastard! I AM DOING MY JOB, AND I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I WAS DOING! NOW GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE BEFORE I HAVE THE COPS COME DOWN HERE AND ARREST ALL OF YOUR ASSES! Tolee: GUESS AGAIN, BONE BREATH! Frederick: THAT'S IT! START THE WRECKING BALL AGAIN! wrecking ball swings toward the front entrance of the palace and in a few seconds, hits the door and the place starts colliding. Kai-Lan is in shock as the palace starts to fall down. But then, she gets a sudden trigger that causes her to get Frederick to reveal what he did. Kai-Lan: You're not going to get away with this, Frederick. Now tell us, did you plan to have this whole thing happen?! Frederick: I don't know what the hell you talking about, so get up out my way. Kai-Lan: TELL US! Frederick: Okay, you wanna know?! Then yes, I set this shit up! HAPPY?! You think I have all day to go over this boring ass shit, and pretending to get people negative reviews just to keep my status?! Rintoo: I don't know, do you? Frederick: HELL NO! IT'S ALL A HOAX, A HOAX THAT GETS EVERYONE RELATED TO ROYALTY IN STITCHES! A hoax that no one gives a damn about these days. And if you guys think you can give me that kind of disrespect, you got another thing coming. Kai-Lan: What do you mean, we got another thing coming?! You just destroyed the door! Frederick: Yeah that's right, and I'm gonna do a lot more than that. WRECK THE WINDOWS! wrecking ball hits one of the upstaris windows and more of the palace starts falling down. Kai-Lan: devastated THE PALACE! Frederick: WRONG! You mean the new location of the China mega mall! It's gonna be twice as big as this suck shack. It'll have a big fountain shaped like a duck. Hoho: A duck? Frederick: That's right, a duck. It'll symbolize the new mall logo that'll hang over the big ass building. Rintoo: You know what? You can try to get us out of our palace, you can try to make a mall in its place, and you can try to take charge of this whole project, but you will not try to wreck the only place we've ever called home! Frederick: Oh, and who the hell is going to stop me? Large Voice: I WILL! Frederick his breath: Oh my God, not this guy again. Tolee: Is he... Rintoo: Yep. He's the royal pope. Royal Pope: Frederick Jonathon Harolds, you are in so much trouble! Frederick: What are you talking about? Why the hell are you even here? Royal Pope: I heard that you tricked these two into thinking that they failed their inspection, and purposely messed it up just so you can get them out of their palace. Frederick: Yeah, so what. This place is already being torn apart. The wrecking crews are just one more blow away from making this shit shack a soon-to-be mega mall. It's already been planned! Royal Pope: Yeah. Well get this, this whole construction can kiss my royal ass, because it's not going to happen! the wrecking crews STOP DESTRUCTION! that said, the wrecking ball stops swinging, but the remainder of the wrecked building falls apart. Everyone looks in dismay. Once again, Kai-Lan falls into tears. Royal Pope: Don't worry, Kai-Lan. I'll have this taken care of. Frederick: puffs No he won't. Royal Pope: Oh yes I will. But before I do that, I have something else to take care of. Frederick: Oh really, what's that? Royal Pope: YOU! Frederick: Me?! Royal Pope: Yes, you! Frederick Harolds, YOU'RE FIRED! and her friends cheer with glee as they hear the news. Frederick: WHAT?! You can't fire me, you big ass balloon. Royal Pope: I just did. Now, get the hell out of here while you still can. Frederick: Alright, I know where I'm not needed. enough said, Frederick angrily leaves. Royal Pope: I hope that he won't bother you guys anymore. Rintoo: We hope so too. Royal Pope: Well now that I fired Frederick, I will like to say that in spite of his mess, I would like to add that you two have respectively passed the surprise inspection! Kai-Lan and Rintoo: Really? Royal Pope: Really! Rintoo: Oh, that's awesome! Did you guys hear that? We passed! Hoho: We know, we know! Kai-Lan: So does this mean we get our titles back? Royal Pope: Exactly. and friends cheer once again. Rintoo: But there's just one thing I need to ask. Royal Pope: What's that? Rintoo: Where are going to stay? Our palace is in shambles. Royal Pope: Oh, I'll have that taken care of. his throat With all this rubble, bring the tubble in with ease. As I say these rhymes, pay close attention to me. For I will bring together, this palace will wring from me. the phrase, the Royal Pope quickly activates his magic wand, and brings the palace back to life. Kai-Lan: Our palace! It's back! Hoho: Wow, that was some magic trick. Do you think we can do something like that? Royal Pope: laughs I don't see why not. But only under one condition. Rintoo: What's that? Royal Pope: You guys will be able to use magiic, but only if you use it when you really need it. Or if you decide to just make stuff a little easier. Kai-Lan: Xie xie, Royal Pope. Say, how did you find out that we needed help? Royal Pope: I sense when there's trouble. Also, your friends called me. They figured you needed a little more authority. Kai-Lan and Rintoo: Xie xie. Tolee and Hoho: Bié kèqì. Royal Pope: Now if you'll excuse me, I got some more royal business to take care of. See you guys later! All: Zàijiàn. Rintoo: Wow, it sure is good to know that the Royal Pope could help us get our palace back. Tolee: You said it. Kai-Lan: Well, all I could say is...it's good to have our palace back. Now let's go inside and play. Tolee: Yeah, but first. Rintoo Tag, Rintoo's it! Rintoo: What? No way. I'll tag you back, Tolee! Tolee: I'm kidding. We can play tag later. laughs and heads inside. The scene zooms away from the palace and fades to black. End of episode Copyright © 2014 Sony Pictures Television, Inc. and Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation All Rights Reserved Category:Kai-Lan's Royal Adventures/Transcripts Category:Kai-Lan's Royal Adventures/Season Two Transcripts